Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
