dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
