yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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