Kareoke will never be a sober sport
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
