Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
