tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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