I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.