When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.