You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating