your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.