Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
