I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
