I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
