Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Semen is not good for contacts.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
