if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
