I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
