Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
