people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
