I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
