if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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