i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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