Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
