lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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