You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
