We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Its about making memories worth repressing
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
