Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
