Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures