I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
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seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
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I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins