I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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