Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
he thought i was a dude.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
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Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
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I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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