So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
