i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
