since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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