Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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