hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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