I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
