You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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