His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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