Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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