i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
