The maid of honor just puked.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
