i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
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Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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