this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
