Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
two words: eviction party
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I love you.
Bad choice
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