does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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