If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
