I met the friendliest cop last night
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
