I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
