just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
don't judge my taste in strippers
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
