i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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