glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
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