too bad you live with your parents still
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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