dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
