If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
