Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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