im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Hello my rib-scented angel!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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