she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
As shirtless as possible
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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