I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
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Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
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Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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