god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
