I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
