i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
