i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
