still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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