This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I've blown a few things in my day
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Randomize
